


Impulsive

by kagaminatsuki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:42:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4478012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kagaminatsuki/pseuds/kagaminatsuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are the type to think things through. With utmost care, you will set up a wall, slamming spikes down. You examine each player and their movements, any sign of weakness, and you’ll move in for the finishing blow. Carefully. 1, 2, jump.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impulsive

You are the type to think things through. With utmost care, you will set up a wall, slamming spikes down. You examine each player and their movements, any sign of weakness, and you’ll move in for the finishing blow. _Carefully. 1, 2, jump._

Sharp eyes with a piercing gaze, you watch with an objective standpoint. You remain detached from the game, from the club, from everything in your life. You regard it all with a cool smirk, reminding yourself it’s pointless, so pointless to chase after things with wild abandon. You’ve seen it, after all. The way those who try so hard fail. They fall. Their dreams shatter. In the end, they realize they’re delusional, that it’s futile. Hard work and devotion don’t necessarily mean success. Results are everything. If you don’t have anything to show for it, your hours of grueling practice is reduced to nothing.

“Tsukki, I’m going to help Shimada-san after practice, so go ahead without me!” Yamaguchi smiles at you like you’re the center of his world, and you don’t understand why. You’re sarcastic and unfriendly. You hide everything behind a cynical smile, and you keep your emotions hidden. It puzzles you that Yamaguchi hangs around you, of all people.

You’re not good at letting people in. With so many walls you built up hiding your true self, no one tries to break past them. They give up, frustrated by your rude personality and vague actions. Other than Yamaguchi. He never seems to mind when you don’t bother talking back, seems content just telling you about things that happened in class while you were daydreaming, his favorite manga, the stupid antics of the freak duo. He knows not to expect an answer for you. When you do answer him, he doesn’t seem surprised like other person, which has always irritated you to no ends; they act like you don’t talk at all. Instead, he smiles and continues talking. You feel comfortable next to him, his warm and understanding presence a breath of fresh air from the suffocating expectations of others.

You wonder why it hurts when you watch Yamaguchi walk off. You know he’s going to practice extra, learn how to perfect the jump float serve from Shimada-san. You hate it though. You hate watching Yamaguchi’s back fade from view. You hate that he’s trying so hard. _It’s just a club_ , you want to say. _Determination won’t get you through everything_. You want to reach out and grab Yamaguchi’s arm. _Stop. Don’t set yourself up for self-ruin. Please, for my sake._ No one realizes how much you depend on Yamaguchi to keep you steady. Even if you will never admit it to anyone, you do care about Yamaguchi, and you don’t want to watch his face fall, watch his dreams shatter. You’ve always been too fragile, a sensitive person running away with poisonous words. Better them than you.

You watch Yamaguchi try to take flight under the expectations, try to carry the weight of the burden alone. When you serve, you are alone. You fight on your own power. In that moment you step up, you must take on everything by yourself. The team watches as Yamaguchi hits his jump float serve, trying to catch up to Seijoh. He misses. You feel your blood run cold. His face falls, tears threatening to trickle from his glossy eyes. Your heart shatters a bit for him. You don’t show it. You’re in the middle of an important match, and you have to keep your concentration. You have to take any opportunity you can get. _You can do this,_ your heart whispers. (That’s a lie and you know it. Your heart isn’t in the game-it never was. You won’t put your whole heart into this game, or any game. Never. You’re too scared of falling. Scared that no amount of glue can fix the shattered pieces. _You can do this. You can ignore Yamaguchi and his broken self to protect yourself,_ your heart whispers.)

Karasuno loses against Seijoh. Everyone cries, except for you. Instead, you feel a sort of relief, glad that it’s over. Glad that you can finally leave behind the pressure on the court. You’re not happy about the loss, but you can deal with it. It’s not the end of the world.

Later that night, Yamaguchi cries over the phone and pours out his regrets to you. You’re tempted to hang up, but he’s always been there for you, so you listen to him rant about himself. “If only I was better. I should have practiced more. I need more confidence in myself. The team was depending on me. I messed up my only chance. Coach will never use me in a match again.”

 You don’t respond. He doesn’t expect you to.

“If only I was good at volleyball like you, Tsukki. Maybe if my natural talent was better, I would be able to do the jump float serve a lot more quickly.”

Your breath catches in your throat. How wrong he is. He shouldn’t be like you, who can’t even sympathize with the rest of the team on the loss. You, who didn’t give it his all.

You listen to Yamaguchi until his breathing evens out. “Good night, Yamaguchi.” For once, he doesn’t respond.

Training camp comes at you with a vengeance. The team is highly motivated, everyone staying late even after training all day. Plus, Karasuno is inferior to the other teams and loses a lot, so you find yourself doing penalty after penalty. Everyone seems to be having fun, though. You aren’t. You aren’t given a choice on how much effort you want to devote to volleyball here, and it makes you feel vulnerable. You’re the slowest out of everyone on the team. You tell Yamaguchi to go ahead when you notice he stays half a step behind the others for you. He nods and leaves without looking back.

When the captain of Nekoma calls you out after practice, you want to run far, far away. You resign yourself to your fate and block with him. The first thing you notice is how good he is. He easily knocks down Bokuto’s spikes, which you learn are considered top in the country-he almost makes the cut for top three. You block without feeling. It doesn’t matter if you try or not. This is just practice that you were dragged into against your will. Besides, there’s no point in blocking so hard you get hurt.

Nekoma’s captain points it out. He also points out how weak you are in comparison to Hinata. You know already. You can’t match Hinata, and you won’t. It would require putting in so much effort for no reason. You’re supposed to feel indifferent towards this, yet you feel so irritated.  Irritated that an outsider would read your weakness so well. He didn’t even force himself through the walls. He merely breaks them down without much thought, and you feel so frustrated. _Why am I so weak?_ His teammates arrive in a timely manner, so you take your leave. Tonight, you hide behind a cheery smile, not cold, biting words. You feel like you’re about to suffocate.

You hate this atmosphere the most. Everyone is trying so hard. So many young hearts to be broken. You attempt to hide away in your room after practice is over while everyone else continues late into the night. You tell yourself it doesn’t matter, that trying so hard is just a waste of time and effort. You’ve always been the most rational.

Fukurodani’s ace attempts to get you to practice with him again, but you shrug him off.  You feel Yamaguchi’s gaze on you. _Why are you looking at me like that?_ As you’re walking back to the room, you hear your name.

“TSUKKIII!”

You turn around to face him. You were half-expecting this confrontation after you felt his gaze. Yamaguchi talks about how he’s always admired you. You want to tell him to stop. You’re not amazing. All you know how to do is run away. You’re just a coward.

“The way you’ve been acting lately is really pathetic!” Yamaguchi glares at you with his honest eyes. You want to shift away. But Yamaguchi never yells, and you’re drawn to this explosive side of him. He talks about how you could try so much harder, be so much better. You find your irritation growing. You thought Yamaguchi understood you, so he never questioned your lack of effort. You fight back with your sharp tongue, knives spewing from your mouth.

“You’ll never become the _best._ You’llfall short somewhere. Despite knowing that, what motivation is driving all of you to keep at it!?”

“Motivation?” Yamaguchi grabs the collar of your shirt with both of his hands. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes look fierce. They look right through your walls, see the trembling child deep inside. “What more do you need than pride!”

Somehow, you feel relieved after speaking your mind. You were never given a chance to explain yourself and your lack of effort. You’re thrown off balance by Yamaguchi’s quick answer. And suddenly, you understand. You’ve always been the type to back everything up with proof, so you go search for it. Before that, you compliment Yamaguchi on how much he’s grown, how admirable he’s become.

You find the captains of Nekoma and Fukurodani in the same gym as yesterday. They manage to drag you into practicing with them after they answer your questions. For once, you don’t mind that much. It eventually becomes a three-on-three match when Lev and Hinata join in. You’re teamed up with Nekoma’s captain and half-Russian, while Hinata is with Fukurodani’s ace and setter. You guys don’t finish the match in favor of dinner, but you realize that extra practice isn’t so bad.

After dinner, you search for Yamaguchi. You find him inside an empty gym. He’s practicing his jump float serves while he waits for a turn to shower. For a while, you simply sit down next to him and watch as he serves over and over, not in the least startled by your sudden appearance. You notice his jump float serves are getting better along with his control and power.

With a careful glance, you examine Yamaguchi’s features. His soft brown hair, the freckles sprinkled across his face, his warm eyes, the determined set to his lips.  You’re drawn to him and his unfading brightness. You smile lightly, the first genuine smile in a long while. It isn’t cheery with a touch of superficiality or sardonic. It’s hardly there, but it’s still a smile.

“Yamaguchi.”

He stops and sits down next to you. “Hm?”

You reach out on impulse to grab Yamaguchi’s hand and interlace your fingers as you try and find the right words to say, to thank him.

You don’t say anything.

Yamaguchi smiles at you with the radiance of a star. He doesn’t need words to understand what you mean.  “No problem, Tsukki.”

You are the type to think things through. When it comes to Yamaguchi though, you don’t mind acting on impulse. You lean in and press a soft kiss to his right cheek, a flush slowly rising on your neck and dusting your cheeks.

“Uh, that’s all I can really handle at the moment. Anything more, and I might die from embarrassment.“

Yamaguchi leans in and presses a kiss to your cheek, his breath warm. “Yeah, I know.”

At this point, you’re certain that your ears are also red to their tips, but you take comfort in the fact that Yamaguchi is no better. You sit there quietly while Yamaguchi talks about random things that cross his mind. Your fingers remain entangled with his, and you stare at him unabashedly, eyes drinking in the sight- his hands move animatedly and his smile shines brighter than the fluorescent lights in the gym . You stay like this until Hinata bursts through the door followed by Yachi, yelling about tempos of quick strikes and how he believes Kageyama will perfect the toss in no time. They fall silent when they catch sight of you and Yamaguchi, who is half-asleep, his head resting against your shoulder. You bring a finger to your lips and pick him up, carrying him towards Karasuno’s shared room.

“Tsukki,” he mumbles sleepily.

You run your fingers through his hair, the smile never leaving your face.

“Good night, Yamaguchi.” This time, he responds.

“G’night, Tsukki.”


End file.
